I want to be positive, but as I type, I am stuck in frustration and what feels like defeat. Long story short, the scales have revealed their highest number yet. 320 lbs. I weigh Three Hundred and Twenty Pounds. I can sure feel it to. 320, like a prison. 320, like a death sentence.
Yes, I know how I got this fat. I even understand the concept of diet and exercise, and not really a diet, but a “lifestyle change”, and blah, blah, blah. I know!
I could offer a list of excuses, like I’m busy, it’s more expensive to eat healthy, etc. The fact is, I’m fat and it’s my fault. I so often wrestle with this truth. I go on health obsessed binges but I am quickly swayed off coarse. Then relapse. Then defeat. Then shame. Now here I am 320 lbs later.
Do I want to lose weight? Yes. Do I know how to lose weight? Yes. But I haven’t stuck to anything in years and I’m starting to feel like I am going to die fat. Not fat and happy. Just fat.
Health is something I just haven’t gotten yet. Life for me has been a process of learning and growth, conquering one life lesson at a time…like learning how to managing my finances, being patient, and living intentionally, etc. But health, my weight, it’s just an area I have yet to master. Not that I’ve mastered much in my 36 years of living. I am starting to grasp how slow of a learner I am. I am very thankful that the Lord is long-suffering.
I know me, and I know that a change must be meaningful. I can’t just plow ahead for vanity’s sake. Though I would love to look better, that just will not be enough. I to easily put myself on the back burner of life, so I can juggle my people and other responsibilities. I am going to have to put my relationship with God right smack dab in the middle of my health journey. He is bigger than me, and I know that’s what it’s going to take.
A friend of mine recently shared an revelation that she felt the Lord had revealed to her regarding her health as more of a spiritual battle, than a physical one. She ask me these questions, which really put it into perspective:
- What was God’s intention for food?
My answer came easily: Life.
- Right now, what is your relationship with food giving you?
My (heart in throat) answer: Death.
She explained that she believed the enemy was at work harder than we may realize in the way we eat.
If in fact the enemy prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour, like it says in 1 Peter 5:8, it only makes since that he would want to do us harm, even physically. The devil will try to twist something like food, a gift from God…something God created to bring us life…and corrupt it, have it work against us…even slowly kill us.
If I start to recognize the enemy and his method of operation in regards to my relationship with food, would it not be easier for me to combat his lies with God’s truth and God’s promises.
If I believe that I have God given authority over the enemy, then I do. In every circumstance and temptation, including indulgence and lack of self-control when it comes to food.
If I am reaching for food in order to satisfy something missing in my peace, in my heart, in my life…I will always be unsatisfied. Trying to pack in more and more, going to the same dry well, and leaving thirsty. Filling voids with food (and other things), that were meant to be filled by my relationship with God, will only leave me feeling discontent and thirsty for something more.
What if instead of french fries and donuts, I reached out to my Jesus for the living water that only He can provide…when I’m hurting…when I’m lonely.
James 4:7 says that when we submit to God and resit the devil he will flee from us. If I give my life to Jesus. If I give Him my heart. My Loneliness. My Shame. My sin. My short-comings. My brokenness. My decisions. My burdens…My relationship with food… allowing Him to saturate every part of who I am, and resist the devil…completely shut that liar down…the devil must flee from me. He must pack his bags, get out of my ear, get out of my relationship with food, and run far, far away from me.
My health is a place of weakness in my life and I must be mindful of the enemies schemes to use it against me, to mislead and deceive me. I have to remember that Jesus has already beat him. He’s only playing on borrowed time. Jesus has already won this battle. The only power that the devil has, is in his deception and lies. He tries to twist and distract us from the truth, but he has been stripped of any real power by Christ Himself.
The defeat I feel is only a lie. If I claim health right now in Faith and in the Name of Jesus… It is mine.
The scale may still read 320 right now, but if I take hold of my healing in the spiritual realm, the physical will eventually catch up.
~Written by Tonya Partain