For the last few weeks, I’ve had this pull on my heart, even a pressing on my spirit, to slow down and savor moments. I am busy, as we all are, I’m a wife, mother, employee, church leader, etc., but this pull is not necessarily because I feel overloaded with responsibility (yes, my wheel barrel is full, but I don’t feel like I’m drowning), instead, I’m overwhelmed with the rapid pace of routine…the maddened march of the mundane, if you will. Overwhelmed with the go, go, go of life…busy, nonstop life. There are countless opportunities for me to soak in the sweetness of my children, the love in my marriage, the beauty of this world, and of the life experience itself, but I guess I’m too busy living to live, if that makes since. I have family, work, community, and a budget to balance, meals, drop-offs, games to attend, dead-lines, and volunteer commitments. I have a full life of which I am grateful. God’s blessings have never been in short supply, but I feel as though something in missing.

You know the way the first cool morning makes you feel when you step outside on a crisp fall day. That instant, “Wow! Life is good!” sensation that warms the soul. Or the fullness you feel when you look around the table at your happy, healthy family and everyone is smiling and eating and just enjoying each other, and you think, what a blessed women I am. Even just to sit down with a good cup of coffee in your favorite over-sized mug with your best girlfriend, doing nothing particular, when you look at her and say “We need more of this right here”. I feel like I don’t have enough of those times, and I guess if I do, I’m not taking advantage of the essence in which moments like that bring. I’m rushing past my moments to get to the next thing. It’s like living paycheck to paycheck, except it’s of my time. I look forward to my bed each night as soon as I open my eyes each morning, but I want to look forward to my life. I want meaningful moments, cherished and precious experiences. I have a good life; I want to make sure that I am present in it. I don’t want to be a ghost in my own timeline, so blurry with progress that I never take the time to exhale and savor it.

I am getting older, and the thought of arriving at the end of my life and looking back and being suffocated with regret by all the unlived moments’ breaks my heart. It’s time to not only be intentional with my time, but with my attention. I want to smell the flowers. I want to kiss baby foreheads. I want to eat good food and drink cheap wine. I want to roll the windows down and turn the music up; the wind in my hair and a song in my heart. I want to live moments that feel like a movie. I want to paint. I want to write. I want to dance. I want a life well lived. I want to pour myself out for others and for the cause of Christ…and at the end of it all, I don’t want anything left; I want to know I left it all out on the floor…and I don’t want to miss it.

~Written by Tonya Partain

~Photographer unknown

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One thought on “Blurry Life

  1. All the best in finding what you seek. It is frustrating being in this mode of living and only you will know when you have found what you seek. i hope you can allow yourself some reflection time, then realisation will come to you in time.

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