Why is it so hard for me to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit? I feel like I am constantly on an out of control roller coaster or a swinging pendulum; or an out of control roller coaster on a swinging pendulum. I’ll have days of spiritual highs, maybe even weeks, and then life hits me hard and I build up walls and I move away from God. Or I’ll focus on my finances and getting out of debt, but something comes along and takes the money and it just feels impossible. Just about monthly I want to try to have a healthier lifestyle, but it never lasts. I only gain more weight.
Teenagers, health issues, strained finances, scars…
My life feels heavy all of the time. I day dream about peace. Sometimes I imagine a long painters studio with natural light pouring through it’s big windows, my bare feet on it’s old solid wood floors, watercolor all around, and me with a warm mug of black coffee pressed between my cupped hands, and my love… and we are light and airy and life feels like a movie or a song lyric. But hard steals that away and it feels like something that will never happen.
Why can’t I look at the stars. I love the sky. Why can’t I go to the ocean. We don’t have the money or the time. It’s all work and stress and hardly any play. I feel guilty for wanting more.
I know it’s a choice but some days it doesn’t feel like a choice, it feels more like a prison.
I want to run. I want to love running. I want to be able to run. I want cool mornings and ear buds in my ears, playing feel good music, as I enjoy the breeze on the cool damp beads of sweat on my brow.
I want to be more financially stable. This paycheck to paycheck…or in my case, overdraft to overdraft, is for the birds. In fact I wouldn’t wish it on the poor birds. I don’t have to be rich, but I would love to be more stable. Not as much robbing Peter to pay Paul type stuff. But I guess I don’t do enough. Sometimes I think I stay busy with nothing so I don’t have to do anything, like clean my house or go to school to make more money. But I’m tired. I do work, a full time job, and a part time job, but I need to do more…or is that the problem.
I try so hard to be a good mom, but apparently I suck. According to the popular consensus, I’m to soft , I let them get away with to much disrespect, etc. I want my children to know love and grace and compassion, but maybe I’m not teaching them enough hard. I’m not a doormat as onlookers might think, I am soft on purpose. I want to be a soft place to fall.
My poor husband, I am not a good wife. I’m tired and crabby and he gets the bulk of that, and he tries to be nice to me anyway. His touch is to heavy for me when I’m tired and it makes me uncomfortable.
Life keeps going around and around, and though I am beyond blessed, more than I could ever deserve, I struggle everywhere and I am tired. I’m so tired. Of holding down the fort. Carrying the load. Balancing the budget. It’s exhausting.
I don’t have anything together. I really don’t. All areas of my life feel hard and heavy. I know it could always be worse, but my hard is heavy to me. I’m getting older and I don’t want life to be over before I let myself feel magic again.
I do realize that magical moments are not impossible. In fact for me they can usually be found in simplicity, I just have to remember to look for it. Not only recognizing it, but capture it, live it. Allow myself time to simmer in the magical moments that present themselves in my life. Even more…what if I intentionally made time to create magic in my life…
My Road Map to Magical Moments would look something like this:
Big Mug of Black Coffee or Warm Tea
Poetry, quotes, or scripture that make me feel something
Flirting with my love
Cooking with my daughters
Heart to Hearts with my son
Snuggles with my grand-baby
A good cry
Pj’s and pillows with my favorite girlfriends
Downtown Square/Thrift stores
Road Trips to a new place or familiar places
Sitting by the Fire/Smores
Births of babies
Drinking sweet wine from fancy glasses
Hot fizzy Jacuzzi
Ice tea on a porch swing
Black and White Movies
A clean house
Making Passionate Love
Back roads with the windows down
Classic Disney movies
Friday night lights–the first time the bleachers are cold
Massive, dancing flock of birds in the sky
Tears of joy
Giving flowers to the living
The Glory of God streaking through the sky
Natural light pouring through a room
Old shacks on a country road
Ornate street lamp posts
Vintage Objects like Old Cameras, Umbrellas, Tea Kettles, or Typewriters
Black and White Photography
Warm wind blowing my hair
Praise and Worship
I really could go on and on. You know, my hard probably wouldn’t feel so heavy, if I made time for a little magic.
~Written by Tonya Partain